Juliet’s Bad Dad

Tuesday. Okay, for those of you thinking I have major short term memory issues, here I go. I am in the library at school without a copy of R&J. From memory … this is what we read today. (P.S. Jordan P, you’re allowed to keep thinking whatever you think. I’ve called you Justin three times in a row. There’s no excusing or explaining that!)

Today, in between page something and page something else, Romeo and Juliet discreetly consummated their marriage. Given all the groundling talk by Mercutio and the Nurse, it’s amazing Shakespeare was so discreet, but I’m glad he was. Mr. and Mrs. Montague had their moment and then … there’s the Nurse at the door with more news. “Out! Out! Here comes Juliet’s mother.” So much for privacy. The two young lovers have barely enough time to discuss whether the bird they hear is a nightingale or a lark and it’s “Who cares about birds! Run! No! Don’t run. Slide down the rope ladder — I hope I see you again!” Of course, R&J being R&J, they have to discuss death a few times. Have you ever known two teenagers more prone to foreshadowing in your life?

In comes Mommy Capulet, sensitive soul that she is, to say, “Oh, you’re crying. Whatever. Did I tell you you’re set to marry Paris the day after tomorrow?” “NO NO NO NO NO NO!” Juliet replies, and then in a surge of dramatic irony declares she’d rather marry her enemy Romeo. (Already done. Nice try.) Why does she say this? Mommy Capulet has already stated she has a plan to poison Romeo when he goes to Mantua. (This is the ultimate in bad mother-in-law. You’re not even married a day and already she wants you dead.) So Juliet says she will mix the poison and she’ll go to Mantua and she will personally poison Romeo. Of course, we, her audience, know she will take the poison, throw it in some ditch, accidentally poisoning some unsuspecting duck, and then run off to her beloved. This would be a plan that would work.

But like every other plan in this play, this one isn’t to be. Father Capulet has to enter first and blast his daughter like an emotional nuclear bomb. This is the angriest father in all of Shakespeare. First he comes in and mocks her for crying. No, “mocking” is too gentle of a word; he ridicules her. When he’s finished doing that, he tells her she will marry Paris because he has decided and that’s the way it’s going to be. By the way, Paris, he calls his “son.” You can see there’s a willing trade-off there. When Juliet begs not to have to marry Paris,  Capulet goes off the deep end. He rails against her, almost hits her (“My fingers itch!!!”), and then calls her a prostitute and says she can go die in the streets for all he cares. She won’t get a penny from him and he’ll prevent the whole town of Verona from helping her if he has to. HE HAS NO DAUGHTER. She is dead to him.

Sobbing and hopeless, Juliet begs Mommy Capulet to speak on her behalf. “I have no daughter, she says,” and out she goes. Beginning to pray, Juliet looks heaven-ward and stops. If all this bad stuff is happening to me, she thinks, God already knows and He’s making it happen. Can’t trust God either. What about the Nurse? Surely that last bastion of sentimentality, the one who nursed her and dandled her on her knee will be on her side. “You know, I was just thinking,” says Nurse, “that Paris is one good looking guy. W-a-a-a-a-y better looking than Romeo. In fact Romeo is just a dish cloth compared to Paris.” Last hope gone. The only person left whom 13 year old Juliet can possibly rely on is Friar Laurence. Will he help her? Is there any help at all? Or will she have to live out her many threats and end up in the tomb with Tybalt?

Stay tuned. That’s next class.

See. Pretty good. All from memory. Short term’s working fine. It’s long term I have a problem with. And names. Clearly.

MSND: Casting Call

Monday. What a nice class  you had. You had a break from all those mischievous fairies and arguing friends. You just did exactly the same thing my grade elevens did. Where do I get my ideas? Oh, and tomorrow … my grade tens are going to do the same thing, too. I actually like this casting assignment a lot. It looks like I’m lazy. I’m not. People like it. Besides, you are way ahead in the play. You could afford a non-reading day.

Don’t forget to find something obscure on this blog to earn your extra 5 marks!

Dinner’s at 7. Don’t bring a ghost. Wait. I said “NO ghost.” You never listen to me.

Monday. Two exciting things in the world of Macbeth today: We learned that if you’re in Scotland and your father dies, no matter where you are, someone’s going to blame you. And we also learned that once Macbeth learns to be a bad, bad man, he can go off on his own and be a bad, bad man. He doesn’t need wives or witches — or wives who act like witches. In class, we did two assignments: 1) Casting the play with modern day actors and 2) Writing a brief in-class paragraph with a quote to prove your point: Who is responsible for Duncan’s murder? Macbeth? Lady Macbeth? The Witches? Choose one.

Here’s a nice picture of Banquo’s ghost sitting in the chair and disturbing the even tenor of the Macbeth home. Lady Macb is looking more than a little disgruntled. Even though she keeps telling her guests to act as if things are normal, you can tell they’re not. When someone you just killed shows up for dinner, that is not a good dinner party.

For a video of Banquo’s Ghost crashing the party, go to Videos11. If you were a fan of Friends, you’ll notice Lady Macbeth is played by Emily, Ross’s girlfriend. Even more notable, all the actors have Scottish accents. They all sound like Gerard Butler!

Romeo and Juliet

Friday. English 10. Romeo and Juliet.

Today we read Act 3 Scene 2 to the end of Act 3 Scene 3. As you’ll all still remember, Romeo and Juliet have two goals in life, to consummate the marriage and … well, one goal, actually.  When last we met, Romeo was innocently going for a walk after marrying Juliet and just as innocently waiting for night to fall so he could be with her. “Being with” is important in Elizabethan terms because once the marriage was consummated, it would be legal and Romeo and Juliet’s parents couldn’t annul it. Unfortunately, Romeo chose the wrong street to walk down and then the wrong emotions to have after Tybalt killed Mercutio. He chose anger and impulsiveness. And that led to him killing Tybalt.

So while Juliet is sweetly oblivious to what has happened, communing with the sky, and telling night to come a little faster, Romeo is running off to Friar Laurence’s where he will sob on the floor and rail against life. Again, notice the two kids with the two mentors; Shakespeare always gives us the parallel. Why is it that Romeo, with the good mentor, falls apart, and Juliet, with the useless one, shows wisdom and maturity? I don’t know, either.

In walks the nurse. Juliet asks if she’s brought the rope ladder for Romeo and instead of the expected “Yes” or “No”  is given a dose of hysteria: “He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead!” declares the nurse, not mentioning exactly who the dead person is. Juliet immediately assumes it’s Romeo because, really, she has nothing else on her mind but Romeo. She then declares God is jealous of her and has snatched Romeo for His own. This is theologically unsound but the Nurse doesn’t disabuse her of her faulty thinking. Instead, she continues to rant hysterically about the dead, blood bedaubed body she has just seen. Juliet, still thinking it’s Romeo, declares she’ll kill herself and join Romeo in his coffin, and the Nurse, still listening to no one but herself, finally says “Tybalt, Tybalt, the best friend I had!” Now Juliet thinks Romeo is dead and Tybalt is dead. More hysteria ensues, and finally, a page later, Juliet determines that Romeo is not dead, he’s just a murderer.

The nurse goes into a little anti-man rant which snaps Juliet to her senses. This isn’t her Romeo. He’s not that kind of guy! The Nurse decides it’s been a rough day, asks for a glass of aqua vitae and then drinks in front of a minor. Juliet praises Romeo and feels guilty for railing against him. Then, just to show us how profoundly mature she is for a 13 year old, she decides to look on the bright side, reframing the entire situation. Interestingly, the Friar ( presumably much wiser than Juliet and definitely much older) will come to exactly the same conclusions six pages later. Things could be worse: Romeo is still alive. Tybalt could have killed him but didn’t. Romeo could have been sentenced to death by the Prince but wasn’t.

Things are looking up until into Juliet’s little mind falls the word “banished.” She’d forgotten that part. Like Romeo in the next scene, Juliet engages in a spate of blaming the grown up (in this case, Nurse, the messenger), but unlike Romeo, she stops. The Nurse, being the Nurse, decides what Juliet needs is Romeo. Just because Romeo has killed Tybalt, that’s no reason to postpone the wedding night. Off she goes to Friar Laurence’s to find Romeo and tell him the consummation scene still awaits.

As all this has been transpiring in another part of Verona, Romeo has been laying on the floor at Friar Laurence’s still crying, screaming, moaning, and bemoaning his fate. Friar Laurence learns one thing if nothing else: Don’t use the word “banishment” around Romeo. Finally, he’s had enough. He’s listened to Romeo for what seems a millenia and he’s tired of it. First of all, if he hears the word “banishment” one more time that’ll be one time too many. And second of all, Romeo seems more than a little fixated on the subject. He’s stuck in the black hole of his thoughts and can’t even see the tunnel, let alone the light at the end of it. He doesn’t just bicker with the Friar, as Juliet has bickered with the Nurse. Romeo attacks. Showing more patience than seems humanly possible, the Friar entreats, cajoles, reprimands, encourages, and completely focuses on trying to get Romeo to at least try to envison a solution. Here’s the deal: The Friar does have a plan and if Romeo would stop whining, he could tell him what it is. At this point in the play, Romeo is not so impressive. And if you use your imagination, you could kind of see Dr. Phil as the Friar.

In comes the Nurse. The Nurse and the Friar commisserate about their weeping charges, agree that being a surrogate parent isn’t all it’s chalked up to be, and then set about finding a way to bring the lovelorn lovers back together. Of course, this doesn’t stop Romeo from declaring he’s destroyed Juliet’s life, destroyed his life, and questioning his own worth as a human being (Insert Clifford Olsen “What’s in a name story.”) but after the Friar spends a good two pages trying to convince him that life might have at least some possibilities, Romeo agrees to at try.

The Plan is not in place but at least the Wedding Night is. Romeo is to go to the Capulets, climb up the balcony on the rope ladder, spend the night, and then out he goes while it’s still dark and there are no guards to spot him. The Friar has friends in Mantua, the next town over, and Romeo will be taken care of until Friar Laurence can come up with the next part of Plan B. Once the marriage has been consummated, he can tell Romeo and Juliet’s parents and they’ll all get together and see what can be done. Maybe they could rent a nice little basement suite in Mantua. Who knows? If only Fate would give them a chance and nothing could go wrong. If only.

You’ve been paying attention. What do you think the chances are?

Update: To see Romeo’s meltdown at Friar’s Laurence’s cell (and to see some fine 1978 acting when all the world was a colourless beige), go to the Videos10 section.

MND/Macbeth

Thursday. English 9: Midsummer Night’s Dream. Look what I found for you, my beleaguered Grade 9’s: a cartoon version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Go to the Videos category at the top of this page and find it there. I know you’d much rather watch the cartoon than listen to me teach you it … and truth be told, so would I: it is tedious … however, we all have jobs to do. Mine is to bore you and yours is to pretend I’m not boring you. You’ll like the cartoon and it should make clear the Helena/Hermia problem. Shakespeare would have been much nicer to us if he’d just called them Ethyl and Hermione. Double H’s — in an otherwise confusing play — is doubly confusing.

A reminder: If you go to the Links section above, you can go online and follow the whole play in No Fear Shakespeare. It has a parallel translation. On one side of the page is Shakespeare’s language and on the other side is ours. I’d recommend it.

Here’s what we read today: Act 3 Scene 2 Line 1 to Act 3 Scene 2 Line 389. (To see the scene we read with Hermia, Helena, Lysander, and Demetrius, go to the Video 9 section at the top of the page. It’s the third video.)

What can be said of a man who wins a woman as the spoils of war? Is it a big surprise that Oberon doesn’t know how to treat Titania? What can be expected of a King who thinks tricking people with magic love potions is a good idea?

After their argument about who “owns” the changeling boy from India, Titania goes into the woods and Oberon arranges for Puck to play a trick on her. He will circle the globe, find exactly the right flowers to extract juices from, and make a magical potion. The first person Titania sees when she wakes up she will fall in love with. Puck comes back to report to Oberon. The plan has gone exactly to plan. Titania has fallen in love with the first thing she sees: a donkey — or a man with a donkey’s head, to be precise. This doesn’t bother Oberon in the least. He thinks it’s funny and Puck is off the hook for that mistake.

But before we can find out Puck’s next mistake, Hermia wanders in looking for Lysander. This was supposed to be a simple thing. Go in the woods, run away, get married. It wasn’t supposed to be go in the woods, lose Lysander, get lost. Frantic about Lysander, Hermia questions Demetrius who declares he hasn’t seen him.

Exhausted from talking to this cranky woman, Demetrius falls asleep. Enter Puck, ready for Mistake Number Two. To Puck, one Athenian looks like the next Athenian. Oberon’s instructions were “Look for a guy in Athenian clothes and put the love potion in his eyes when he’s asleep.” This he does. Unfortunately, it’s the wrong Athenian. To further complicate things, Lysander and Helena run in. Do you still remember the beginning and who was in love with whom? Hermia wanted to marry Lysander but her dad was making her marry Demetrius. Helena was stalking Demetrius and he wanted nothing to do with her. Why? Because Helena had been engaged to Demetrius until he fell in love with Hermia and ditched Helena. Not that it did much good. Hermia just wants Lysander.

As if this wasn’t hard enough to follow, Puck gets involved. Poor old Helena has by now absolutely no self esteem, at all. If she had a sign around her neck it would read “I know nobody loves me and I don’t blame them.” So what are the chances two men will fall asleep and magically fall in love with her? Magically and instantly. That’s what happens and that’s what causes Helena to think everyone is out to mock her. She fights with Demetrius and Lysander and then, just to complete things, she fights with Hermia, whom she once considered her best friend. Everyone has betrayed her, she thinks. As the scene progresses, the arguments pile one on top of another. Lysander tells Hermia he hates her and loves Helena. Hermia thinks Helena is mocking her because she’s short and Helena is tall. Demetrius and Lysander both argue over Helena. And Helena just thinks everyone is making fun of her and lying to her. Puck has to talk to Oberon and explain his many mistakes. And that, Grade Nines, is as far as we got!

English 11: Macbeth. You, too, get a video. Yours is not a cartoon, however. Go to the Video section and see Macbeth’s pre-killing soliloquoy when he questions whether he should actually kill Duncan and risk the consequences here and in the afterlife. At 2:07 Lady Macbeth interrupts and gives him a good talking to, then launches into her famous motherhood speech. If you want to see a really creepy Lady Macbeth, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JfYrD7UBxPo&feature=related  . This woman is just too repulsive to put on the website. Not much of a surprise that youtube disabled the Comments section.

For those of you wanting to be just as ingenious as Willow — who cleverly has the book! — go to the Links category above and read along in No Fear Shakespeare. You’ll have a parallel translation.

Here is what we read today: Line 155 Act 2 Scene 1 to the end of Act 3 Scene 3.

We began with one of Macbeth’s most famous soliloquies: “Is this a dagger I see before me, The handle toward my hand?” Macbeth is struggling with what he’s about to do. He won’t later, but at this point, he has three witches, his nasty wife, and Fate telling him to be a man is to kill Duncan, to reach his destiny is to kill Duncan. But Macbeth — who still has a semi-functioning conscience —  has a problem. Two problems, in fact. One is that Duncan is a nice old man and doesn’t deserve to be killed. That’s not how you treat weekend guests, let alone weekend guests who are Kings because Almighty God has appointed them so. There’s the number one problem: the Elizabethan World View. You simply do not kill a King. Ever.

Then there’s the problem of what happens if you do kill a King. a) In this earthly vale, wherein Macbeth is currently living, you will be arrested, tried for treason, and summarily drawn and quartered, with your head being placed not so gently on a large pike for all to see. And b) You will go to Hell. You have a problem in the current life. You have an even bigger, longer lasting problem in the next life. So what does he do? He talks to himself, hears a bell and says, “The bell invites me.” All it takes is the sound of a bell and an invisible dagger with the handle pointed toward him. Excellent critical thinking skills, Macbeth.

Of course the next scene tells us who’s really egging him on. It’s not bells, it’s Lady Macbeth. Amidst a profusion of animal and bird sounds, all portending death to the superstitious Elizabethan mind, Lady Macbeth waits to see if Macbeth has done the deed she could have done in her sleep. In fact, she would have done it if Duncan hadn’t looked like her father in his. Who knows why she just doesn’t do the deed herself? We can only guess a woman being the stronger sex would have been more of an Elizabethan disaster. Anyway, Lady Macbeth has drugged Duncan’s guards and as they lie face down on the floor in oblivion, Macbeth goes in and murders the King. That done, he goes back to Lady Macbeth to declare he’s done it! He’s finally done something to make her happy.

Not that it lasts. After his seven seconds of marital approval, he looks at his hands, absolutely freaks out, and is told by his wife his thoughts are foolish and that he’s still a wimp. While he panics, Lady Macbeth tells him to stop talking about it, he’ll drive them both crazy. If only she were more observant. Foreshadowing! The Macbeths continue to while away the night talking. Macbeth declares he’ll never, ever sleep again the rest of his life, and Lady Macbeth responds by telling him to stop it and go put the daggers back in Duncan’s room. Who carries the evidence with them? Macbeth begs not to be sent back to the scene of the crime, Lady Macbeth calls him a coward, and off she goes to smear blood all over the sleeping guards’ faces, thereby ensuring they’ll be blamed for the death and killed. You can tell she really wishes Duncan hadn’t looked like her dad. It’s hard being behind the scenes when you’re the one with all the talent.

Someone knocks at the front door. Macbeth goes into a terrified tailspin and then gives a little speech about never getting the blood off his hands; this prefigures a big speech his wife will give later on when she goes stark raving crazy. But for now, she is not crazy, just incredibly bossy. Back she comes to once again mock him for his cowardice. Then just when we can’t handle one more minute of Macbeth’s overwhelming guilt and Lady Macbeth’s lack of it, Shakespeare gives us the Porter Scene. It’s a drunken porter thinking he’s guarding the Gates of Hell. While it’s supposed to be funny, there’s actually a part of us thinking, You know he actually is guarding the Gates of Hell. Casa Macbeth is not a good place to be. Macduff and Lennox, two aristocratic Scots, appear and have a happy little conversation about drunkeness and that’s the end of that scene.

Macbeth talks to Macduff and Lennox about what a great guest Duncan has been (Quiet as a mouse! Dies well. Doesn’t eat much.), going on and on about how honoured he is to have had the great King visit him. Imagine your job is to wake the King. Macduff doesn’t have to. It is his job. But not today. In he goes, discovers the King just won’t wake up, and out he runs, yelling “O horror, horror, horror!” It seems applicable. Macbeth acts all innocent and shocked. Macduff, the royal waker-upper, runs from room to room waking up the entire castle. Treason! Murder! Everyone has to come out and talk about it.

Lady Macbeth wins a future Academy Award for acting shocked, Macbeth does his best not to visibly panic and mumble incoherently, “I did it. It was me, me, me,” and Donalbain and Malcolm get the picture instantly. As Duncan’s sons and heirs to the throne, they are next in line to be murdered.

Macbeth tells everyone he was so upset over Duncan’s murder he inconveniently murdered the murderers in a fit of unwise bewilderment. Lady Macbeth looks at him, thinks, ‘What kind of an idiot did I marry? I have to do everything myself,’ and distracts everyone with a great big fake fainting fit.

Malcolm and Donalbain have a quiet conversation about their imminent deaths if they stay at the Macbeth B&B and decide to go far, far away. Donalbain will go to Ireland and Malcolm to England, where he will probably be mocked for being Scottish.

Meanwhile, outside, the weather is bad. Portents and omens abound. Chimneys are knocked over in wild winds, the sky is pitch black in the middle of the day, and owls are killing falcons. Even if you didn’t know the King was killed, you’d guess. Macduff comes out and has a conversation with Ross and the Old Man, declaring his belief that obviously Malcolm and Donalbain have killed their father because they’ve left the castle.

They bribed the guards to kill their father, Macduff thinks, and doesn’t that just dismantle the old Elizabethan World View. A son killing his father to move up the hierarchy? It’s just like an owl killing a falcon. Or a wife nagging her husband. Or, I don’t know, basing all your decisions on  three creepy witches in a Highland swamp covered in fog. Some things you should be able to figure out without an instruction booklet.

Aside: Have you noticed? Macbeth is easily led by certain kinds of women. Not to be sexist, but you have to wonder what Mommy Macbeth was like. And Daddy Macbeth, when you think about it. This “I believe you because you’re a woman and you’re telling me” trait is very un-Elizabethan. Shakespeare’s whole audience — Elizabethans! — would have known Macbeth was doomed from the first scene. 

So. Where’s Duncan’s body? On it’s way to the Hebrides, the land of sheep and very little else. Who’s going to Scone, ancestral home of all the Kings of Scotland? Ross. Who’s going to Fife? MacDuff. Have you noticed no one wants to stay with the Macbeths anymore?

Romeo’s very bad horrible day

Wednesday. English 10: Romeo and Juliet.

We continued reading Romeo and Juliet and got as far as Act 3 Scene 1. In a nutshell, here’s what happened: Juliet sits around waiting for the Nurse to return from giving Romeo a message. (Not a massage. She’s only called a nurse. She’s really a glorified nanny.) Any time now, Romeo and Juliet are going to meet in Friar Laurence’s cell, get married, and leave Verona. This is what Friar Laurence wants, what Romeo wants, and definitely what Juliet wants. The Nurse couldn’t care less. She takes her sweet time and then drives Juliet to distraction by playing with her emotions instead of answering the big question: Is Romeo going to marry me? Finally, she answers and then just can’t resist mocking her one more time.

In the next scene, Shakespeare contrasts Juliet’s mentor (bad) with Romeo’s mentor (good.) Friar Laurence is just a decent man who is good at his job. He gives Romeo good advice with good intentions. Marry Juliet, unite the two warring families and don’t be like a firecracker, be like a slow burning fire. Aim at being married 40 or 50 years. Don’t do that Rosaline thing again. Romeo listens, is profoundly happy, and thinks, In one hour I’ll be married to Juliet. Yahoo.

This is Shakespeare. Of course, he’s not going to be happy. Instead, the Boys of Verona wander the streets complaining about the weather and looking for a fight. They don’t have long to wait. Benvolio and Mercutio show up and make fun of each other, followed by the most dreaded Capulet of all, Tybalt the Cat Boy. Tybalt and Mercutio get into an instant argument and Romeo just happens to walk down the street (Fate is at work. Cursed, cursing Fate.) Romeo does not want Tybalt and Mercutio to fight because in one hour he’ll be married to Juliet, and as far as he’s concerned, Mercutio is his new BFF. Mercutio doesn’t share his feelings. Stupidly — Fate still at work —  Romeo gets between the fighters and accidentally causes Tybalt to kill Mercutio. Mercutio dies after uttering a series of bad puns and cursing both the Montagues and Capulets three times. Romeo responds by declaring Juliet has emasculated him and going back to his old impulsive self. He fights Tybalt, kills him, and then goes into shock. “I am fortune’s fool!” he declares. And we agree. He only had to wait one hour and stay out of trouble.

Benvolio is even more freaked out than Romeo and tells him to run away. Romeo listens and runs. Juliet’s mother shows up and is hysterical at the death of her nephew. The Prince shows up and is angry at everyone, and then declares Romeo is exiled. We continue the story on Friday. It does not bode well for the marriage when your fiance kills your cousin and sends your mother into a tailspin. As some of you will recall, there’s a big difference between exiled and banished. Romeo’s going to wish the dictionary had been invented. Very soon.

Update: For a very dramatic version of the fight between Romeo and Tybalt, go to to the Videos section at the top of the page. I’ve downloaded a Youtube video for you. This one is from the Franco Zefferelli movie from 1968.